Emotional Abuse - Therapy with Bridget

This post provides some definitions and examples of emotional abuse (EA), and describes what EA might look or feel like. The post ends with some resources which may be helpful to people experiencing EA.

What is EA?

EA is a form of domestic abuse.

EA became illegal in the UK in December 2015. New measures tried to provide authority on what can be deemed abuse, or coercive control, within a relationship. In 2015, Karen Bradley, Minister for Preventing Abuse and Exploitation, said, “it is wrong to violate the trust of those closest to you”.

Refuge states that, “Anyone forced to change their behaviour because they are frightened of their partner or ex-partner’s reaction is experiencing abuse.”

EA in adult relationships is defined by Relate as intimidating, threatening, criticising (such as through sarcasm or name-calling), undermining, guilting, controlling or withdrawing finances, or dictating how you behave, who you see, or how you dress.

The pattern of behaviours, how the victim experiences them, and the context in which behaviours occur can impact how they are defined by individuals. For example, being angry is an emotion everyone can feel at times, and expressing anger is important. But, is anger being expressed with the intention to hurt and scare? Who could honestly say they had never criticised their partner for something? Did they speed through a red light and you said, “that’s not great driving”? The difference between that example, and EA, is that the criticism with EA is expressed in a way which makes the person feel worthless, and, it is persistent. Criticism such as, “you’re so lazy/stupid/dramatic”, can wear down a person’s sense of worth, and make them feel bad about themselves. Other examples might include generalising and labelling a person in an unhelpful, or hurtful way – “you are useless”.

Sticks and Stones

If you are in a relationship where you are often criticised, or your partner says negative things about you, you might notice your confidence drop. It would be understandable to feel small or unhappy if you feel verbally attacked or put-down by someone you care about.

For some people, hurtful words said to them in childhood can play on their mind years later. The way we are spoken to in our childhood can shape how we see ourselves in the world, and impact how we view ourselves as adults. The old phrase, ‘sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me’, might have a lot to answer for. It can be helpful to notice how we are spoken to and how this makes us feel. Despite the old saying, words can and do have an impact. EA in childhood has been linked with symptoms of depressed mood, or of feeling ‘out-of-touch with reality’ in adulthood.

NSPCC defines childhood EA as, ignoring, blaming, scapegoating, controlling, being absent, manipulating, threatening, name-calling, and shouting at children. Context is important. Shouting at a child might be acceptable and important in some situations, for example, to warn them of dangers. However, shouting as a form of childhood EA might be excessive, or shaming. I write this blog with adult relationships in-mind; more information regarding childhood EA can be found here.

Gaslighting

The term gaslighting gets used relatively commonly now, but where does it come from?

The term comes from George Cukor’s 1944 film, ‘Gaslight’. The film sees a woman start to feel she cannot trust her own judgement and begins to feel ‘insane’ as a result of her husband’s abuse. The husband brightens and dims their gaslight without telling her it was him. The film shows how such tricks can make people unsure of their own reality.

An everyday example of gaslighting might be, you speak to your partner about going to a dinner – they say they will come with you and you agree plans. You get ready for the dinner and come downstairs; they aren’t ready – they say, “what dinner?”. They inform you that the conversation didn’t happen, or that they did not agree to come with you. If you love someone, it potentially makes more sense to assume that you are wrong, confused, or just misheard. Even if you feel sure the conversation happened, ‘why would they lie’? As a one-off, this might not be too much to worry about, after all, “I can be forgetful!” Another example could be that your partner shouts at you. A few hours later, you ask to speak with them about their shouting; this is met with something like, “I wasn’t shouting”, or, “why are you so sensitive?”. If these types of incidents happen often, I can imagine how easy it would be to feel confused and unsure of my own judgement.

Gaslighting can impact people’s sense of reality and breed self-doubt. If I was continuously told that what I heard wasn’t quite what I heard, that I hear shouting but am told it’s not shouting, I might find it hard to trust my own judgement in daily life. Uncertainty can be created and fed by gaslighting. Gaslighting can increase the victim’s dependence on their abuser. For example, there may be a sense of, “I often get it wrong, and my partner is the one who tells me how to change or fix things”. In this way, the victim depends more and more on the perpetrator for reassurance and advice. This advice might not be helpful, and they may become more unsure, more dependent, as time goes on. Gaslighting may occur alongside monitoring of phone, emails, or controlling who the victim sees, or where they go. This can put strain on the victim’s relationships with others, potentially leaving them more isolated with the person who is creating the turmoil.

Portrayals of EA

I’ve noticed discussion about EA since the storyline of Yaz Nazir on Coronation Street (Corrie). Corrie seems to have effectively portrayed the devastating impact that EA can have on individuals. EA and abusive relationships don’t begin overnight – it can take time to erode someone’s self-worth and confidence. Corrie took a long time to show and build the extent of Jeff’s abuse, which worsened over time, which is maybe why the storyline has felt like a realistic portrayal of abuse to many viewers.

Prior to Corrie’s EA storyline, EA was portrayed alongside physical abuse on Channel 4’s Hollyoaks. In 2014, Hollyoaks’ Maxine was abused by her partner Patrick, who appeared an upstanding member of society to the outside world. Patrick engaged in controlling and abusive behaviour towards Maxine behind closed doors, monitoring her phone, calling her names, dictating what she ate, where she went, and who she saw. It was voted one of Hollyoaks’ best-ever storylines, and it made for tense viewing. The controlling elements of Patrick’s behaviour were disturbing – yet when the storyline emerged, the controlling and EA elements of Patrick’s abuse would not have been illegal in the UK. Following 2015, the coercive control Patrick displayed could have been enough to land him a prison sentence of up-to a 5-years. At the time of the show’s release, it was the physical abuse alone that would have been an offence.

Research and experience suggest that EA does not always occur alongside physical abuse, but, they often co-occur. This is not always the case though. Without physical abuse, victims of EA might stay longer or feel confused about whether their partner is abusive – ‘but they haven’t hit me’. Why might this be? With physical abuse, maybe it feels easier to label what is happening as objectively wrong. Many people grew up with messages from school, or TV, about physical abuse being wrong – tell a teacher, tell a friend. EA has only recently been recognised by UK law. Maybe future generations will grow up more able to identify EA due to its increased awareness, and acknowledgement by the law.

Why might people be Emotionally Abusive?

Remember, nothing excuses EA, and abuse is not the victim’s fault. Despite this, EA can cause victims to feel that they deserved, or caused, the abuse. EA is wrong, even if the perpetrator does not know that what they are doing is abuse.

EA might serve a purpose for the perpetrator, whether they are aware of this or not. Maybe the control they exert over others might help them to feel safe, or in control. Maybe they feel out-of-control, or unhappy in their own life. EA might be how they have been treated by their caregivers growing up, or in previous romantic relationships. It could be that the person equates controlling someone with loving them. Perpetrators might not be able to identify their own behaviour as abuse. These are some reasons why EA may occur, but there are likely to be may be many more. There might not be any reason for why people engage in EA. Even if we can understand why abusers behave as they do, this does not mean it is acceptable. Being able to understand why people behave abusively might provide insight, but it will not necessarily reduce the pain or impact for the person on the receiving end.

Relationships are not compulsory

If we are persistently criticised, belittled, or put down, it follows that we may start to believe that we are intrinsically flawed, wrong, or bad. Everyone can have flaws, and make mistakes – we are human, and nobody is, nor has to be, perfect.

You deserve to be treated with respect and care within your relationship, whether with friends, family, colleagues, or partners. You do not have to adapt or change yourself to accommodate someone else, or to feel ‘good enough’. You are enough, as you are right now. Being shamed or made to feel small will not change, improve, or help a person to grow. I will not become, nor feel, ‘better’, if my faults and downfalls are highlighted and picked at.

It might be helpful to remember that relationships can add something to your life, and you deserve this. Relationships which deflate, or demand you be more, could create a sense of inadequacy within you. Relationships with people who require you to change and be different can be tiring and gruelling. Everybody deserves to be accepted and respected. If a person criticises, dislikes, puts down, or wants to change you, why have they chosen to be in a relationship with you?

Support

Counselling might be helpful to people experiencing an abusive relationship, or who experienced one in the past. If you are interested in having counselling with me, I offer a phone consultation prior to booking a Zoom or face-to-face therapy session. I am happy to discuss your needs and will try to answer your questions, via phone (07955 769 875), or email (tysoncarrcounselling@gmail.com).